You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
