Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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