Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
