you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
