Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
