You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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