he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
