Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
