if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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