Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
