guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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