A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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