You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
