just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
