your parents love me but you hate me
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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