so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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