He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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