I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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