i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
