mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
