I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
