for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
