Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
