I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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