I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
