so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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