My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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