My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
