Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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