Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
third nipple confirmed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
