i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
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