my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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