Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
