Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
