I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we're making bets on your personal life
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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