Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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