sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
