upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
