You're my little dorito
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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