I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
