Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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