You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
