How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
