I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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