Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
