omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
