new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
