I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
