So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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