there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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