i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
