Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
