I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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