She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
